“Its just too much work!…A relationship should not be so much hard work”, is something I heard a friend say to me as we talked about his decision to split up with his wife. They had been having some tensions for a while now. While his wife recommended visiting a counsellor, discussing what they could do to mend their relationships, even suggesting going away on a vacation to rekindle their relationship, my friend was clear that he wanted out of the relationship. His belief being that if the relationship took so much “working on”, then it wasn’t worth it anyway. That left me thinking, was it that the effort was too much for the relationship or the relationship was not worth the effort?
HIs logic was that a relationship was meant to provide support, succour, care and strength and if the relationship itself started requiring support, care and effort, instead of providing all that, then it was perhaps a relationship that deserved to end.
But then, doesn’t everything useful need work to maintain, preserve and strengthen it from time to time, sometimes even daily?
Everything that works for you needs work from you.
Don’t our houses that protect us and nature us, need renovation and repairs? Don’t our bodies that serve us moment to moment need rest, nutrition, workouts and the occasional medication and treatment to keep them productive and healthy? Don’t our cars that we cant do without need the quarterly upheaval and servicing? Doesn’t our mind need the daily sleep, rejuvenating vacations, recreation and meditative breaks to keep it healthy? In fact, the more we need and depend on something.. the more we lean on and use something, the greater the maintenance and work it needs.
Same goes for relationships right? The more important a relationship, that is, the greater our dependence on it, the higher the wear and tear it undergoes. And hence, what is wrong about it when it calls out for repair and maintenance? Nothing can continue to serve you until you serve it well in return. You can only get out what you put it. Often we are allowed to overdraw from these things, from our body, our assets, our friends and our family relationships. But it cant be expected to be the norm forever. The more something is worth, the more important it is to work on it, to keep it strong and healthy.
If a body part is injured, it doesn’t mean it is useless and we don’t throw it out, do we? We rest it, treat it, heal it. If we don’t perform well at one task, we don’t just leave our job; we learn, get trained, take feedback and enable ourselves. Because we value our body, our job. Of course after all attempts at repair and restoration, if something still remains damaged, unusable and a threat to the rest of us, then sure, we get rid of it. But that would be our last refuge and forgivable. But throwing it out simply because it demanded one to work on it, is hardly excusable.
So if something is worth it to you, put all you’ve got into it to make it work. But, if you just don’t have the will to begin to work on it, then maybe its time to admit that it wasn’t worth that much to you to start with.